My name is Angel. Some of this probably won't make sense to you but it really doesn't matter. How could you possibly piece together a person you don't truly know. How could you judge without walking a mile in my shoes. But I suppose now is your chance. Take my shoes and walk...
March 21, 2012
I just finished exercising. My final Shred for the day :). I have to admit that I'm already starting to get super sore and it's effecting my performance. Lifting weights repeatedly when your muscles are tender is agonizing but I just keep thinking of toned arms, tight booty, small thighs and abs. It keeps me going and I feel wonderful when I'm done. I'm finally accomplishing my goals. Finally doing something beneficial. The pain is only temporary.
In reality, I've done seven days of level one so that explains my sore muscles. A normal person would have accepted my lazy day in which I didn't exercise as a "rest" day but I just couldn't do that. It has to be perfect. In order. I need to see 30 consecutive days highlighted on the calendar. 30 days proving that I am strong, determined. 30 days closer to my goal.
I slept all day, worked for a few hours later in the evening, so my day was pretty boring. I'm hoping that by going to bed early tonight I will be able to get back into being awake during the day. I need to. I've just got to get my life back in order. Back on track.
- Book and attend an appointment at the College. Upgrade - College - University.
- Book and attend a driving course. Licence - Car - Insurance.
- Dye hair back to brown and let it grow. No more dye. No more heat.
- Write a resume and apply for jobs. GET A JOB.
- Keep drawing. Improve, impress, and find ways to turn it into a career.
I weighed myself an hour and a half ago, right after eating a waffle (218) with maple syrup (200). I'm not even going to go into how bad I felt while eating it. Though I suppose 0g fat is pretty good ... too many calories for a tablespoon. I lost one pound which sets me at 123.9, 24.3 lb fat. And even though I'm happy to have lost a pound I feel bad because I know I could have done MUCH better today.
The morning started off with exercise and a tiny cup of oatmeal (170). I weighed myself immediately after my workout which was a horrible, horrible idea! It said 128lb! Dear god! You could only imagine how overwhelmed I was. I stepped on the scale 4-5 times before I finally gave up. Needless to say, I was in a horrible mood until right before bed when I jumped on the scale again and it read 124.9lb. I'm not sure what that was all about but THANK GOD I didn't gain anything!!! I drank a Red Bull at work (220) and one cup of 7up when I got home (160). My total for today is 968 calories and 4.1g of fat. I did worse than yesterday but better than March 19th. And even though I'm in a panic and feel awful, knowing that I stayed under 1000 and burnt nearly half of that is the best I can do to avoid exercising all night. That or purge... but I ate so long ago it would be pointless to even try now. I hope I don't gain :(
xo, Angel
March 20, 2012
Don't get me wrong. I love her and all, but when she talks down to me and tries to make me sound like some childish bitch it gets annoying. She's forever embarrassing me. We went to the pet store to buy my dog and rabbit food a few weeks ago and there were these adorable lion-head rabbits there. I'd never seen them before so I got super excited thinking they were just the cutest things. I wanted to show her and right in front of this lady about the same age as me she said, "Noo! You can't have anymore animals. You already have four!" And of course the lady looked at me like I was a complete retard. FYI... I only own TWO animals. The other two are yours. I understand that we live with her but that gives her no right to treat me like a child. Bitch you don't own me. If I want to buy another animal, walk around in a bikini or drink til dawn damn rights I'm going to.
Anyway. After a horrible binge last night, I went to bed earlier than normal (4am) in hopes of being awake during "normal people" time. That didn't really work. I woke up at 7am, did my 30 Day Shred, weighed myself then went back to sleep until 4pm. Well! What can I say? I am a night person. I roam the hours of the dead. lol. Get it? 3am = witching hour. Yea... never mind. I am not a complete loser. Promise :)
At 10:30am I weighed 127 lbs, 26.9 lb of fat. I went to work, avoided supper like a boss and did The 30 Day Shred for a second time. Weighed again and guess what?! 124.9lbs, 25.5lb of fat. Hell yea! I lost 2.1 lb, 1.4lb fat, in 12 hours! So needless to say, I am on top of the world because I really thought I was going to gain from that binge. The only negative side of today is that I did eat half a chocolate bar (210) and had a red bull (220) but still, 430 is pretty good and I had to of burnt most - if not all - of it off today! Tomorrow will be better. No chocolate for me!
xo, Angel
March 19, 2012
Talking about posting ... yea, about my last update. How depressing was that?! I don't even remember what put me in that depressive state of mind. Half of the stuff I was talking about made no sense. I mean, my boyfriend and I DO spend time together. Every weekend is our time. And last week they switched his work schedule down to Mon-Thurs so we'll even get Friday nights together. Throw snowballs? Oh jeez...
Hm, I guess I will start with last Tuesday. I received my hair extensions in the mail!!! Yay! I was waiting for weeks! Though they're a bit long, I love them! And now I'm planning on dying my hair brown because the blonde and hair extensions just looks fake in my opinion. Brown will be a nice change and maybe then my hair could rest a bit and actually grow. Due to the constant bleaching and dying my hair keeps breaking off therefor instead of growing it just keeps getting shorter and shorter. A scary thought. Me with super boy-short hair. GAH! Good thing I've got my extensions ;)
I also started a new exercise program called The 30 Day Shred. It's wonderful! Less than 30 minutes of cardio and strength. Gets your heart pumping and muscles shaking! After doing that for five days, I lost four pounds. Though I used to lose about a pound everyday, it's a pretty good start. Besides, I'll just pretend that that pound I didn't lose was converted into muscle. Even if it's not true, I will not let it get to me! I've been feeling on top of the world from exercising. So much better with myself it's unbelievable.
Saturday night my boyfriend and I went to McDonald's. Waiting in the drive-thu my mind was racing... "You've done a wonderful job exercising this week, you can reward yourself!" "No... you'll set-back all your progress for what? A nasty burger you don't even like?" Over and over again until bam! Without thinking twice, I ordered a chicken burger and diet coke. Choked it back and chugged the drink within minutes. HORRIBLE! I know! But I learned a good lesson. I hope...
Sunday morning my boyfriend and I went out to buy a new bed-set which turned our bed into the most comfortable nest ever. A king size goose-down duvet and satin sheets. Ooo lala ;) While shopping for our bed-set from heaven, my boyfriend wandered into the bathroom section where I stopped to admire the scales. So many high-tech scales ranging in prices from expensive to outrageous. My boyfriend must have caught a gimps of my lust for these because he said, "Want one?" At first I swore I didn't hear him properly but then he repeated as he grabbed one and stuck it in our cart. Seriously? Is all I could think.
There's a history with me and scales. One of which my boyfriend is not a fan. He's even gone as far as to smash a scale right before my eyes due to my obsession. So you could understand why I'm nervous. Why I'm wondering what his intentions with this scale are. Why would he buy one for me? And not just a scale but the pimpest scale ever! Digital and calculates not only your weight but your body fat lb, fat %, water weight, bone lb and BMI. But I can't just say no. OF COURSE I want that scale!
Immediately after coming home, I tore open the box and programmed my new scale. It holds up to five people at a time allowing you to program one spot specific to your gender, age and height. I tore off my clothing and hopped on the scale. *waaa waaa waaa* 128 lbs?! My heart sunk.
My normal scale tells me that I weigh 118 lbs (after losing the 4lbs from exercising) which means it is 10 lbs off! TEN!! I couldn't believe it. I must have been making a horrendous face because my boyfriend laughed hysterically and poked me in the gut. "Fatty" he said. Then pushed me off the scale and weighed himself. With clothing on, he weighs 4lbs less than me. It makes me sick to my stomach still. The man is supposed to be heavier! I am not supposed to be the FAT bitch with the skinny boyfriend!!
Just to think, last summer I reached 108lbs but if my scale was off all along, that means I was only at 118 lbs. I can't believe I'm so heavy. So fat. Ohh... that's another thing. I weighed myself today and I'm at 127 lbs. I'm not sure what my fat % was on Sunday, but today it is 21% and apparently 26.6lbs of that is fat. No wonder I've been feeling like a fat cow lately! So because my new fancy scale is 10lbs higher than my other piece of shit scale, I ripped out all the pages in my journal. Starting fresh today, I recorded my stats and what I ate. Blah.. yet another thing to be disappointed about.
My boyfriends parents, still on their fast food bender, took me out for supper at this fast food resturant that just opened up. I tried my best to eat as little as possible. Ordered the tiniest burger with no cheese, plain, and a diet pepsi. But despite my effort my calorie consumption was around 1040 today. That will probably push my weight up even higher! But not all hope is lost! I'm going to fast the rest of this week if I can, and I'm restarting my 30 Day Shred program tomorrow because I didn't have time to exercise today. And no, I can't right now... it will wake his parents. Fuck.
xo, Angel.
March 12, 2012
I've been feeling down on myself for a while now. Ugly, fat, lonely... a failure at life in general. Of course, this does no justice to my relationship. Constantly in fear of my boyfriends feelings toward me. I wouldn't be surprised if he has lost interest in me. No longer finds me attractive. And the real reason he spends 99% of his free time playing xbox is because I'm no longer the person he once loved.
It's pretty sad when you live day by day never trying to "live everyday like it's your last". It's sad to not care if you die. To have no goals. No hopes. No interests. Wasting your life away. I feel like I'm in a car stuck on the side of a highway all by myself waiting for someone to come along and help. The only problem is everyone is too busy to help and the people who do stop don't know how to help.
So what do you do when you run out of gas? Start walking, I suppose.
It's going to be one hell of a walk.
xo, Angel
March 7, 2012
I'm not sure what it is about me. Maybe I'm too naive or just a curious person. Either way I always seem to be learning something new. And when someone tells me about something that interests me I research it. A little research turns into a night of information pile up and that's what brings me to what I'm going to talk about next... the cinnamon and honey weight loss formula.
My boyfriend's mom showed me this email that lists all these health benefits of cinnamon and honey. Apparently combining the two and consuming it daily will cure all kinds of illnesses and health issues. It also showed that weight loss formula. Being the curious pug I am, I decided that I would give it a try for a week. Though the taste was good, the consistency turned my stomach instantly and I could only get down about a half cup of the stuff. I'm dreading tomorrows cup but I'm just going to have to push myself through because I really want to know if it works.
I had planned on fasting this week but that failed. My boyfriend's parents are back into their obsession with fast food and restaurants. It may have taken me a year to figure this out but trying to get out of eating with them after work is literally impossible. Using my awful teeth to my benefit, I only had to eat three bites of a burger and two onion rings. Because my teeth only touch in the back, eating a burger with lettuce, pickles, onions or tomatoes is nearly impossible as it just slides out of my mouth. It results in a huge mess but to get out of eating all that, I didn't mind. So I'm unsure of how many calories I had today but hopefully my weight won't increase.
My weight is 121 lbs but I am bloated because I just got my period. My periods are weird nowadays. They come unexpected and last only a few days. But the worst part is the pain. The "cramps" have been increasing over the past few months and today it felt like my insides were being torn apart while on fire. Not to mention the pain in my back and legs. The entire day was painful and when I tried to sleep it off it just kept waking me up. The pain was so bad I was literally shaking. So not only am I fat but I feel disgusting. I wish men had to go through even half the crap women do. Just one bad menstrual cycle and they would know that we aren't being babies. We aren't over exaggerating and dear god! Tender boobs is just as painful as blue-balls. haha, well maybe not but yes... poking them does hurt and it is not funny.
My father text me and when I replied he didn't respond. That was weird. I wonder what he wants. Then my sister called. I don't know. There's just something about her that I loathe. Of course I love her but I just don't understand why she has to rub everything in my face. Why does she have to point out that she is the favorite child? Spoiled and gets away with everything. Literally.
She stole a car and got her cell taken away for two weeks. Told our parents that she smokes weed so they provide it for her (which most likely means she also smokes hash). She has parties and drives drunk, without a license. If she wants something new (cell phone, computer, etc) she just finds a way to destroy her current one then mommy and daddy go out and buy her a new one. But I guess she's just doing what any rebellious 15 year old child would do. It just pisses me off that when I was 14 they accused of doing drugs and took me to get tested. Of course it came back negative (I swear on my life I never touched a drug back then) and yet they still kicked me out. Yes, I did some bad things but it was because of my home environment (which is a long story). The fact that we had no money made me steal. I stole a lot. Food, clothing, money. I was nearly charged with fraud but even that doesn't amount the the crap my sister does. They've been supporting her sex life since she was 13 and every boy she brings around gets a warm welcoming into the family but me, my life and the people I care for is never acceptable. I just wish I could get an explanation. Maybe even an honest apology or an effort to make things better between us.
There was something she said that really got under my skin. "I don't need friends, that is what family is for. They help support you even financially." All I can picture is my sister receiving a brand new car for her 16th birthday. Mommy and daddy buying her first house. She's going to use them for everything they're worth. Then she's going to find a man with a lot of money. I had such high hopes for her but it is as clear as day that she is headed for the same lifestyle as her mother. Extremely judgmental, bathing in drama and using men for both their money and to make her feel better. She will end up living off of other people or go on welfare yet buy unnecessary things to make herself look wealthy. They sicken me so much but I just keep going back to it. Back to my sister. I might just be an idiot for having hope but I really do hope she wakes up and sees who she's becoming. Realizes just how toxic her parents are.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm concerned for her future. I don't care what my parents do, or anyone else in my family for that matter, but she is my only sister and at this point she's my only blood relative that I consider to be family. I grew up around her and at one point she was my best friend. It's a scary thought, my sister becoming my mother. Our relationship would be ruined. And I guess because I've always been so protective over her it's hard to sit back and watch being unable to show her that life isn't all about material possessions. And just because you're blood doesn't mean you are family. Family is the people in your life who want you in theirs. The ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what. You cannot put a price on that.
xo, Angel
March 6, 2012
Months upon months. Far too long to keep away.
I couldn't even begin to explain why I stopped blogging. A part of me feels like I owe our readers an explanation but I have yet to come up with one. Our posts from the past years are gone, just as memories fade. I have changed, grown, and it's time for our blog to follow.
Since my last "appearance" on here, a lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same. I got fired and am now trying to find a career that suits me. The thing that makes it tough is that I have never been the type of person that knows exactly what she wants. I know what I don't want so I guess that's a start. Near the end of 2011 I set out to peruse my love for art. It all started with a simple portrait drawing. Though I thought it was average, not very good, other people begged to differ and slowly I've gained "customers". It still amazes me that people would actually pay me to draw for them. And I can't help but wonder if this is what I was meant to do all along.
Becoming an artist has its highs and lows. On the positive side, I get to do what I love. On the negative, sometimes I don't enjoy the project. Maybe it's their facial features or the fact that I just can't "connect". Then there comes the time, rare but inevitable, when you're stuck drawing something for months on end. That is where I am now and it's more frustrating than you could imagine. Also, I need a part-time job because they don't call it "struggling artist" for nothing. Okay... they call it starving artist but hey, we already knew that one haha.
I am still dating my boyfriend. Five years and going strong. We broke up for a day in 2010, but we got back together and our relationship has never been better. I was unsure before but now I could never deny that he is the love of my life. Sometimes I will look at him and swear he's more handsome than yesterday. Surely I don't deserve a man like him but I am grateful for every moment we have together.
Family life has always been complicated for me. Then I gave up. I adopted my boyfriend's parents as my own and love them more than I ever did my own parents. I suppose that makes me sound ignorant in a way, but I'm okay with that. My parents aren't out of my life completely and I actually met my birth mother last summer. I've struggled to grow a relationship with her and my brothers but there's no telling where the future will lead us. My father on the other hand is still an arrogant, immature person who refuses to talk to me for reasons unknown.
On the 14th it will be exactly one year since I got fired. Marking the begging of another weight roller-coaster ride. I'm extremely disappointed in myself for allowing my body to gain so much weight. I only had 8lbs to go until I would've finally reached my goal. Eight pounds. I lost and gained then lost and gained some more until I gave up and slipped further and further into a depressive state of mind. I slept for days and when that was done I consumed an alarming amount of food. Packed on the fat and headed back into hibernation for a few more weeks. It was just recently that I forced myself to start all over again. Forced myself to bath, to socialize, to try one last time. So here I am. Teetering at 120 - 121 lbs and ready to fight. Enough is enough. This time will be different. I will reach my goal.
It's the same story I always tell myself.
xo, Angel
